“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
-Lewis Carol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
I'll say. My dad took me to target, and instead of asking him for clothes i asked for a stainless steal garbage can. I've started ending up in bed by ten o clock. My apartment is always clean and my laundry is mostly done at all times. I'm teetering and dancing on the edge of twenty four years young and i can't help but feel much more...muchier. All of a sudden my 23.5 year old self feels ions older and wiser than my 23 year old self. Sitting here in my very first big girl apartment (dream apartment is an understatement) overlooking the city i can't help but be mystified about how i got to this point in my life. Everybody fantasized about doing their dream job when they're little at some point in their lives but, soon let go of it realizing that the chances that they'll get out alive are slim to none. I mean, how lucky am i? I get to do what i love every day of the week. every year. I get to eat, sleep, and breathe my passion. I have the ultimate freedom and yet i still look at the garbage man with envy every day. I still look at the starbucks barista and image what it would be like if i would have just stayed there and worked my way up the ladder to a comfortable salaried job where i would enjoy my weekends and they would give me a paid vacation once or twice a year. At least they know when their next paycheck is coming and how much it will be. All of a sudden, my 23.5 year old brain is worried about the future. about a retirement fund, purchasing my own house, and my own healthcare, basic survival really. I think to myself maybe..just maybe i'll go out and get a 'real' job. I feel like i've cheated everyone out in life and they're doing the 'real' work while i play with dresses and rings and post them on the internet for money. This mindset is totally flawed becuase in all reality i work twelve hour days seven days a week (minus the frivilous trip now and again) and my brain never really shuts off from work - but regardless, i can't help but feel that way. So what will the future bring? I have no idea. Truthfully, i'm not quite sure where my next paycheck is coming from. But i do know this: Alice was right. I can't go back to yesterday and i wouldn't even dream about it. All i can do is push on and have the confidence that this will happen for me. I was born with stars in my eyes and passion in my heart, and i'll be damned if i don't go down with out a fight. Mediocrity is not an option.