I have a confession to make:
I'm not as immune to love and feelings as i would have everyone believe i am.
The truth is, I've tried as hard as i could to walk through life as an ice queen that never succumbs to her emotions. Kind of ironic for a girl that shoots weddings for a living , huh? It's a lie. I know love. I feel love. I am ( regrettably so), very much in love. With my life, and with my craft yes but - mostly with him. I'm not really sure what's pushing me to divulge this information. Maybe it's the bitterness, or the resentment (or the manhattens?). Maybe i just can't take it anymore ...mostly i'm hoping this is one of those blog posts that 99.9% of people decide to skip over because i've written way too much. But keeping it inside is rotting me to the core so i'm saying it in hopes that i small way it will help me let it go- and i'm going to resolve never to regret it. Every day it weighs me down - he weighs me down. This "feeling" i have. Sure, most of the time i can brush it off my shoulder and let it run free but i'm human and i have my bad nights. I have nights of despair, desperation, and disappointment over this love of mine. This great love of my life. This love i won't experience again with any other being - even knowing it will never come to fruition. Most likely due in part to my own actions, and most definitely a lot based on his --- and maybe that's the way i prefer it deep down. Maybe that's the way we prefer it. After all, "we only accept the love we think we deserve", right?
I bet you're wondering why in god's name i would ever decide to shoot weddings then, huh?
You all give me hope.
You give me something to believe in.
I know it's real. I know it's possible. I photograph it constantly, i keep in touch with the people who's love I've documented. I know it's there. I can feel it. Maybe wedding's are a way for me to study from a safe distance? I take joy and solace from each couple i am able to document. Every time i am able to freeze that moment of infinite love forever there is a feeling of satisfaction and of this eternal, longing misery all at the same time.
I know a time will come when the right person finds me and this will become a distant, thudding feeling in the deepest chamber of my soul but until then, this raw, unrequited feeling will reside in me and will continue to fuel me. Don't get me wrong: I love being by myself. This time of solitude is probably one of the best experiences i have ever had - but there is some tiny sliver missing. As time goes on , as i grow older, i feel it pressing on my lungs harder and harder and sometimes it's just simply too hard to breathe - too much to bear. We share the rareness of an intimacy of the brain, him and i.
So, if you are reading this by some odd chance, you know exactly who you are - i want you to know i've never felt more of a love and hatred for a single human being all at the same time. But there is one thing i have to tell you: One day that ice will melt away from your chest cavity, your heart will turn from black to scarlet, and you will put down that bottle of poison. The thought of not being there to witness it kills me but i know i probably won't. But i will be there in your veins. I'll be that distant thud, those remaining burning embers in a fire that's been long since put out - that small ache in the deepest part of your arteries; and someday you will love someone back with your whole heart and whole soul and the fear will be gone. You will be truly happy. That's all i could ever hope for for either of us.
I will always love you. with a fierceness.
But tonight i am officially putting it away. Tomorrow is another day, and i have so much more love to capture and share with others. So many gifts of memories to hand out. I wouldn't change any of it for the world. It's time to put even more energy into the second and third loves of my life: my spirituality and work. They will fill me up until it's time to share room in my heart again. I can't wait to see what 2014 has in store for my work - but i can tell it will be amazing.
Stay tuned, my dear ones.
Remember to always embrace light - it can travel distances we can barely begin to fathom.